We’re getting a new neighbour soon.  Not as exciting as getting a new kitten but just as challenging: they’ll have to be trained up.

The last one was a lovely artist who used to feed our cats when we were away and we watered her plants when she was on holiday. Perfect.

The one before her was an arrogant dickhead who insisted on his “right” to play his music so loudly that he could hear it on his balcony – and I in my lounge, even with the TV on.

When I politely asked him to turn it down, he refused. He wanted to hear music while he was eating dinner al fresco. By the way, our flats are fairly well insulated for sound so he was really pushing it.

When I said, “okay, I’ve tried to do this the nice way,’ he looked alarmed and said “You’re not going to do something illegal, are you?”

I wasn’t but I almost changed my mind when he slammed the door in my face. Let’s just say he was dealt with via the normal channels.

Anyway, back to training the new neighbour.  Not slamming the door every time they go in or out is usually the first thing.  It’s not their fault.  The automatic closure on these doors is cranked up to maximum bang by the fire inspectors and when the wind is in a certain direction an unfettered slam can make the flat shake.

Smoking on the balcony could be an issue, too many parties could be a challenge and leaving their garbage outside their door “because it stinks my flat out” would be the start of World War 3.

Okay, I admit it.  I am a catastrophist.  I imagine the worst case scenarios and then start preparing for them weeks in advance.

I hanker for the days of company title where you had to get the approval of the committee before you could even buy a place. Oh, but renters weren’t allowed at all, so that wouldn’t work.

I just think the easiest thing would be for the owner next door to let us handle the rentals.

‘Apartment available for friendless, music-hating, non-smoking avid reader who likes to retire early and is paranoid about causing offence to anyone about anything. Loves cats.”

I might just print that up and stick on their door.

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